Gifts and Puzzles

I had the opportunity to meet with a few dear friends and trusted mentors this week, in preparation for the coming Spring and Summer season of workshops, trainings, travel and writing.  A lot of psychologists in the ACT world and 3rd Wave CBT are preparing for ACBS, and there are great things going on in the science of Compassion and mindfulness all of the time.  Our work in theory and practice is growing, and it involves a deep personal engagement with our own processes.  As a result, it feels very important to consult and learn from fellow travelers, and people who embody compassion and wisdom.  We're lucky in that our community has quite a few of these rare individuals working among us.

When I have a chance to learn from people like Paul Gilbert or Kelly Wilson, I am always grateful, and something emerges from the exchanges that makes a new world seem a little more possible.  Meeting with them both this week and discussing compassion in psychotherapy, pointed the way to a deeper practice.  Still, the truth and courage in my friends' words brought me eyeball to eyeball with the pain and anxiety that I carry, as a living human being, moment by moment.

Even though it would be more accurate to say that we move through space and time rather than time passing us by, the sense of time rushing by was everywhere these past few days. What brought on this sense of urgency, and the inevitable tightening and stress that accompanies it? Not surprisingly, moving towards what I truly value brought the reality of my own suffering that much closer.

What kind of suffering? What is the shape and contour? Why here and now? In a sense the content is not that important, is it? Life continues to teach me that if I move towards what really matters to me, I am damn sure to contact that within myself that I just don't want to see. I can't avoid the aspects of my mind, heart and behavior that I am ashamed of, that I fear, or that I would just rather turn away from or destroy. Beyond this, I will face the limits of what is possible in the world. I'll be reminded of the people in my life whom I will never reach or connect with. I recall those people whom I have loved, and who have faded from my life, through illness, death or following a path that draws us ever farther away from one another.

Wow.

This pain, the pain of loss, the pain of shame, the pain of the finitude of life, is a companion that will walk with me if I am to move where I know I am drawn to go. More and more I know that this is true for us all. I feel a comfort in the community and universality of this, and a deep sadness in the knowledge that everyone I love will carry a similar load.

Thankfully, a singular truth emerged from my discussions with Paul and Kelly, with friends in New York, and my time speaking with fellow CFT psychologist Russell Kolts.

Within the puzzle of our contact with pain and with desire, within the struggle to just get rid of what we don't wish to have, and within our desperate craving to have what is impossible to reach, we are shocked into an awareness of our common humanity. As we face our pain, we can find a gift within the puzzle of struggle, and we can learn how to come into the moment, to rest in the breath and to find an appreciation for the miracle and gift of just this one moment, moment by moment.

When we recognize this, our aim to alleviate the suffering within those we love, within ourselves, and within every pair of eyes we make contact with is advanced. As we wake up to this moment, and learn to rest in the kindness of mindfulness and compassion, lessons that cannot be put into words are transmitted and we are gradually transformed. The gifts and puzzles that cause me to twist and turn, to escape and to surrender are not necessarily what I would choose at all, but I am coming to see that they are really miraculous, and they begin to allow me to wake up, if even for a few moments. If that can help me move in the direction that really matters to me, the direction that I would willingly live for, then I choose to step into this experiencing, and commit to this choice, again and again.

 Sending warm wishes, DT